7 Ways to Cope With Your Inevitable Star Wars: The Force Awakens Comedown
[Editor’s Note: This is a very special guest post from writer and long time friend of The Nerdy Bird Ryan Britt! Check out his new book [AL] Luke Skywalker Can’t Read and Other Geeky Truths, available now! Enjoy!!]
I know this sounds crazy, but if you’re a Star Wars fan, this week is the most dangerous week of your life. I’m not saying Star Wars hype is like a cocaine binge exactly, but it is a little bit like a cocaine binge. And everyone knows the biggest problem with cocaine is that you feel absolutely awful after you’ve done it; a feeling that is made worse by the very recent memory of feeling totally and ludicrously fantastic.
Right now, with just days left before The Force Awakens releases, Star Wars fans (everyone) are in the throes a hype-fueled high. I’ve personally read like six “new” interviews with J.J. Abrams in the past 20 minutes and I am SOO pumped. Not to mention that for a year running, every new trailer or cache of photos is our latest bump, shot or hit. But I’m getting a little worried, now! Because after a high like this, a big-time low is coming. And after The Force Awakens comes out for real—regardless of its quality— a bunch of us are going to experience a serious come-down. What are we going to do?
Here are seven tips for dealing with your completely likely, and scarily inevitable, emotional crash from Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.
1. Take Up Bizarre Contrarian Opinions Regarding The Force Awakens
This should be a fairly easy approach and a time-honored tradition among those who have grown-up either inspiring or identifying with the “It’s over!” guy from Portlandia. When you find yourself missing the feeling you had before The Force Awakens came out, here’s what you do: pretend that everyone you know is wrong about the new Star Wars movie and you are right because you, among all the people in the world actually get it.
If the general consensus of the movie is overwhelming positive (highly likely) figure out how to hate it and actually point out that the only reason why anyone likes it is because they’re just slavishly obsessed with nostalgia. Claim you only want to see blockbuster movies that are “new.” Use the phrase “franchise fatigue.” Speak authoritatively about the “New Fascist Hollywood System” even though you are a comparative lit major and have only been drunk in Silverlake and never actually seen Hollywood. Be prepared to pay for all your own drinks.
2. Affect an Obsession With that New Moby Dick Movie; In the Heart of the Sea
Remember this movie? It’s coming out like right around the same time as the new Star Wars movie. It’s stars Thor (Chris Hemsworth) as a fake Captain Ahab in a movie that’s sort of about Moby Dick, but not really, because it’s a based-on-a-true-story movie which inspired the based-on-a-fake-story famous novel Moby Dick. Because no one will see this movie (everyone will watch Star Wars instead) you can say whatever you want about how great this film is. Say Chris Hemsworth actually does the voice of the whale. No one will know and you’ll feel better.
3. Watch Revenge of the Sith Alone, While You’re Drunk
This was the last legit Star Wars movie to come out before this one and one of its big money shots was Anakin Skywalker killing small children. As soon as you’re super drunk, start watching this movie and try to get to this part before you fall asleep. The Jedi younglings Anakin is killing are like your childhood feelings about Star Wars. Maybe The Force Awakens was so damn good YOU CAN’T EVEN STAND IT. Watching this scene will remind you that there’s an Anakin around the corner at any moment to screw with your childlike wonder. All the time. He’s right behind you; threatening to give you a curly Jedi perm, just like his.
4. Start Making Wild Speculations About the New Star TREK Movie
Act like it’s 2009 again and everyone in the world is pretending like they’re a big Trekkie even though most people who love the 2009 Star Trek movie are not big Trekkies. (Spoiler alert: real Trekkies kind of hate it.) Anyway, you just saw another J.J. Abrams movie that you totally can’t get over, turn into that skid. But switch it up! Simon Pegg is writing the next Star Trek movie! Idris Elba is in it! That’s pretty cool, right? Start obsessing over that as thought it’s just as important as The Force Awakens. This will probably only work for like two days, but it’s worth a shot.
Okay…I consider myself a real Trekkie and I didn’t hate the new Star Trek movie. I didn’t think it was the best ever, but I liked it.
How dare you suggest people watch Revenge of the Sith. You might as well encourage children to huff paint or ram Oreos into their buttockses or whatever it is kids do nowadays.